August 20, 1999

Things are getting a little better. I don't know if they are really better, if I am just handling it better, or if this is just a lull between storms. I found a social worker to complete the home visits that the court wanted, and it went well. Perhaps it is just simple hope that makes it seem like things are better. It is the day before Mark and Angie's wedding and tonight is the rehearsal dinner (at my house). I wish I could get more excited about it. I am going to have a house full of people and I am dreading every minute of it. I'll just be glad when it's time for the wedding tomorrow. I think it will be emotionally difficult, happy for the wedding, sad that Bethanie can't be there. We go to court on Tuesday for Chelsea, but she'll have to miss her father's wedding, thanks again to our legal system. They continue to cause us pain, that same system designed to protect us.

August 7th, 1999

I haven't written in a few days, but only because I've been too busy. The emotional see-saw continues, although it has lost it's ability to catch me by surprise. I know that seeing children Bethanie's age will hurt me. I know that looking at toys will hurt me, and that the sudden appearance of a Teletubby or dress up jewelry will stab so swiftly that it takes my breath away. I know that seeing children who have been neglected or abused will infuriate me and that I struggle to keep a tight rein on my anger. I know that I am worried about the safety of children to the point of it being an obsession. Worried that if the fall, they will die, instead of just getting the usual skinned knee. I have experienced enough sudden death in my life that I take no one for granted, but since Bethanie's murder, I worry every time one of my own goes out the door or doesn't come home on time. On Tuesday we are seeing an attorney. I'm not sure why we are seeing him, I hope we won't need him for anything. Children's Services has been contacted to set up a home visit, so I guess we will have Chelsea soon. I'm so excited that we will have her for good, it's just a shame that it took this tragedy to bring her to us. Our lives have been forever changed, but Chelsea remains our little ray of sunshine in what has become a very dark world.

August 4th, 1999

Yesterday was Chelsea's 4th birthday. Child Protective Services only gave us a few hours with her but it was wonderful. She looks so much healthier and she is so loving. It was the bright spot in my week.

I have been under so much stress, I decided to cut back to four days a week at work. Today was my first day at home and I got absolutely nothing done. I just feel overwhelmed by daily life. I can't continue like this but I can't seem to even muster up the energy to do anything about it. I can't decide what to do about it. There's just no instruction manual for this. I went to check on Bethanie's memorial fund and found the balance is zero. It hurt. It made me feel like Bethanie doesn't matter. I need to do something, but I don't know what. I tried to do a letter on the computer but it shut down and wouldn't work. My first impulse was to go rent one, but of course, I don't have any money to do that. I don't have any money to do anything. Even if I had the money to rent a computer, there is so much that has to be paid. How can I help Mark and Angie if I can't help myself? I have to, somehow I just have to.

We are planning to go see Jeff Balder next Wednesday. I am disturbed by the whole thing but I think I need to go so I can confront my feelings.

July 30, 1999

Today wasn't so bad. I wish I could figure out what makes some days terrible and some tolerable. I keep waiting for a good day. I hope it comes soon. Even though I didn't cry today, I still felt the pain of loss more times than I can count. It seems that thoughts of Bethanie and the pain of losing her is always there. Sometimes it just whispers, just loud enough to make sure I know it's there. Then there are those moments I dread, when the pain is violent, ripping my heart wide open. It is at those moments that I am weakest, when I would do anything to stop the pain. It's like an emotional bloodletting that only stops when I've been drained nearly lifeless.

July 29, 1999

Yesterday Jeff was charged with murder, involuntary manslaughter, felonious assault, and two counts of child endangering. Megan was only charged with child endangering. I hope they get the maximum sentence, but even that couldn't be enough retribution for the agony they have caused us. The Beacon Journal did an article on Mark and Bethanie. It was a pretty good article, I can't read it without crying, though. I keep wondering when it will get easier to get through the day. Every morning I wake up feeling the pain anew. Evey hour of every day feels as if the wound just keeps being ripped open over and over again. I am literally sick with grief. I cry several times a day, sometimes without warning. In my head I know I have many things to live for, but my heart just wants to die. I'm not suicidal, I just want the pain to stop. My heart just feels like it's going to split apart and it would spills tears instead of blood. I don't know if this agony is normal, I don't know anyone who has ever gone through anything like this. It has only been two weeks, how much longer before I want to live again? I get frustrated about Chelsea. I want her with me so desperately but it is taking so long. I need her. I need her to remind me of my purpose in life. I need her so I can focus on taking care of her, give her the best life she can possible have. I guess I'm hoping that having Chelsea will fill the empty, raw void in my heart.

Tuesday, July 21st, 1999

I set up the Bethanie Gardner Fund today. I'd always hoped that I'd be doing that to pay for her college or wedding. I never imagined I'd be doing it for her burial. More offers of help have come in from friends. I hope they don't all forget. All people want to help in a tragedy like this, but when their pain fades, often times their intentions fade with it. Pure pain will go on; each time it fades something comes along to rip open the wound again and start the bleeding anew Today I sit, hurting, but not crying yet. Waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the coroner, Dr Platt, to call and schedule an appointment that will so graphically paint the picture of our little girls' last hours. I don't think I can bear it, but I know I must. My mind knows that Bethanie is forever gone, but heart just keeps screaming to just give her back. Giver her back and we'll do it different this time, not let her die. But there are no second chances for this. Our precious little girl is a butterfly now, free in the heavens where she suffers no more. The suffering is now up to us, and suffer is what we do, all we do. Everything causes pain. Babies in restaurants, cartoons, the color pink, talk of death, talk of life; there is no escape, pain is everywhere every minute of every day. Tomorrow I return to work. I wonder how many tears I'll shed just trying to get through the day. I don't want to go, don't want to stay home. I just want my baby back.

At 3pm Dr Platts calls. He says he can't release autopsy details until after the trial and that Det. Gaines must have been mistaken. I know that Det. Gaines said to call right away. I feel like we've suffered dread and anticipation for nothing, only to remain in limbo for as long as the judicial system chooses. We are now just puppets, with the law being the puppeteer.

Monday, July 19, 1999

Detective Gaines interviewed all of us. He said he was trying to make sure Megan gets what she deserves. He said Bethanie had a lacerated liver and spleen, that Jeff's boot print was on her chest. He said she sick and malnourished. I can't believe we never realized what was being done to our babies. I have to gather our phone records for him, to prove all the times Mark tried to see the girls.

A lady called to see about helping to get the things we need to bring Chelsea home. It looks like they may try to get her bedroom stuff. It's comforting to know so many people care.

The pain is just too much some days

For those of you reading this who have never been through the death of a child to abuse, you may wonder why 10 years hasn't healed the pain. After all, doesn't time heal all wounds? It does not, and the person who said that had obviously not experienced significant loss. When July 13 came, it was my first waking thought, "This is the day they took my little baby girl from us." Although I think of Bethanie daily and still miss her terribly, July 13th is especially heart wrenching, as is July 22nd, her birthday. She would have been 14 this year. We will forever wonder what she would look like, what kind of woman she would have become, what the future would have held for her, if evil had not taken her that night in July. It is a pain and longing that never leaves. I can still smell her, sense what she felt like in my arms, hear her voice in my head. No folks, there are some wounds time can never heal.

There is a family in New Philadelphia, OH, near my home, that went through a similar event not so long ago. I followed the trial and read all I could about it, it was so close to what I had gone through, and my heart ached for the family. They have chosen to use their tragedy to help prevent child abuse, and I can't express my gratitude enough for this family who is willing to relive the pain daily so that one more child can be saved. Please take a moment to go to the Shoup family's website and take a look at what they are doing.

http://www.noahs-hope.com/

A chance to help - protect this child

Please read this article and take action. Apprently, once again, it will take a public outcry to force a judge to protect a child:

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/get-involved/take-action-now/protect-damon-from-abuse