September 1, 1999

I had to take Chelsea up to visit with Megan today. It was the hardest thing I've done since Bethanie's murder. We have been told that we would not have to have any contact with her, yet there she she was, waiting in the parking lot. She just walked up to us and started talking about Chelsea's schedule, and how her sister Christy had kept her on too strict of a schedule. I was honestly afraid that I would kill her right there in the parking lot. Doesn't she understand that Chelsea's schedule is none of her business? Even if it was, she isn't exactly mother of the year, so why would I listen? I wanted to tell her that I've raised two kids and both of mine are still alive, so I guess I can handle Chelsea's schedule. I can't face her alone again, I am truly afraid I might hurt her, which I would only feel bad about in the legal sense, not in a moral sense. She deserves to be hurt, and it can only be accomplished in a physical way, since she has no emotions. What am I turning into? Could I really kill her? I'm afraid I could, and that horrifies me.

August 27, 1999

A lot has happened that I haven't recorded. On the 24th we went to court for Chelsea's placement hearing. Magistrate Leuke ruled that Chelsea be surrendered to her father as soon as a home visit was done by Summit County DHS. Megan showed up and filed for Christy and Charles to get her, which was a huge surprise to us all, including Christy and Charles. Jeff's parents also filed for custody of Chelsea and Megan's unborn child. None of it mattered in the end. Thank God Sondra Judy (DHS)agreed to come on Thursday and check our home. The whole thing, once again, left me with the feeling we had done something wrong. Sondra came on Thursday and sent an hour talking to us at our home, and then about 10 minutes at Mark and Angie's. I can't believe we waited five weeks for that. She said we could pick Chelsea up next Thursday, but Charles asked for one more night. We agreed to pick her up on Friday. She finally arrived this evening. What a joy! Each step in this process has been laborious and painful. This is a huge and wonderful step, but I don't think any of us will relax until the final hearing on the 30th. Attorney Paxton said that Megan could get probation, so we need to have custody before her hearing on October 4th, just in case. I feel like we are living on the edge, always wondering when the next surprise will come. For now I will just take comfort in Chelsea.

What a horrible thing to do

Just a few days ago, a beautiful two year old girl was murdered in the town I work in. Reading about it and knowing people connected to the event has been rather traumatic for me, but nothing compares to the horror I felt today. I drive past the house where the child lived on my way to and from work.Today, as I involuntarily looked at the house yet again, I saw that people had put flowers and toys all over the porch. I thought this to be a touching tribute to a life lost too soon. Then my eyes locked upon one of the most disturbing things I've seen in along time. Someone had taken a very realistic skeleton and put a little frilly dress on it, and then propped it up against the door. This is about the most twisted thing I can imagine, and I can't help but wonder what on earth this person was thinking. I wanted to vomit, it was so disturbing to me. Did it only have that effect because of Bethanie? I don't really know, but I imagine anyone would find it just sickening.