September 1, 1999

I had to take Chelsea up to visit with Megan today. It was the hardest thing I've done since Bethanie's murder. We have been told that we would not have to have any contact with her, yet there she she was, waiting in the parking lot. She just walked up to us and started talking about Chelsea's schedule, and how her sister Christy had kept her on too strict of a schedule. I was honestly afraid that I would kill her right there in the parking lot. Doesn't she understand that Chelsea's schedule is none of her business? Even if it was, she isn't exactly mother of the year, so why would I listen? I wanted to tell her that I've raised two kids and both of mine are still alive, so I guess I can handle Chelsea's schedule. I can't face her alone again, I am truly afraid I might hurt her, which I would only feel bad about in the legal sense, not in a moral sense. She deserves to be hurt, and it can only be accomplished in a physical way, since she has no emotions. What am I turning into? Could I really kill her? I'm afraid I could, and that horrifies me.

July 4th is so depressing for me

July 4th will forever be the holiday that heralded Bethanie's murder. My son was supposed to get Bethanie for visitation on July 4th, 1999. We had planned a large family picnic at my home, which is in a different county than the one Bethanie lived in. When my son went to pick the girls up, Megan refused to let him have them, telling him that she didn't want him taking the girls out of the county. She refused to even let him see them at the door. This was not unusual behavior for Megan, so we all just got angry and went on with the day, once again deprived of spending time with the girls. We had no idea what Megan was really hiding. Later, we found out that what she was hiding was an emaciated, starving and bruised little girl. She had already begun the process of killing her. Every 4th of July I sit and wonder why I didn't go there myself and call the police. Given that visitation is a civil matter, they wouldn't have made her hand the girls over, but maybe they would have seen something that would have saved her life. There are a hundred different things I see in hindsight that might have saved her life, if only I had done even one of them.