August 15, 1999

We had Chelsea for awhile yesterday. She came to our house for a little bit and then to the squad picnic. We weren't really allowed to bring her to this county but was no place to take her for the entire day. She was so much fun.

It feels like my whole world is not what it used to be, like it's the reverse of what it was and should be. Justice has become an oxymoron. The meaning of the word isn't what I thought it was at all. The true meaning of justice is that victims continue to be victimized by the very system we trusted to protect us. It means we have to feel guilty for bringing Chelsea to our home when we've done nothing wrong. It means Jeff and Megan are provided all of the services and benefits the system has to offer, while we must pay for their crimes both financially and emotionally. It means they have done a horrible deed, yet we are the ones who must prove ourselves worthy of caring for a child that is our own flesh and blood. The people I thought were my friends apparently are not, yet people who were distant have rallied beside us. The world continues on all around me, but I look at it and feel as sense of unreality. I feel as if I am watching a world that I am no longer a part of. I am just an observer of life, watching people who have no idea how quickly it can all be destroyed. I am starting to accept that this distorted world I now live in is my new reality, I just can't seem to adjust to living in it. I'm in a sort of twilight zone, and I cannot get out, but how will I ever learn to live here?