Just a quick note

I just wanted to leave a quick note for my friends....I had to take a break from entering from my journal; it was getting emotionally harder with each entry. I'm feeling better about things and plan to be back at it next week. Thanks for hanging in there, and thanks for understanding.

September 11, 1999

There is so much pressure from everywhere. We are supposed to provide Chelsea with all sorts of things, while they continue to take $280 a month from Marks check. I need to be at work, I need to take care of Chelsea. Once again, my life has been changed forever, and with the exception of having Chelsea, I don't like it much anymore. I just hope that I can somehow learn to adjust. I guess I'll need to adjust to always just boiling under the surface, and to always being afraid that we will lose Chelsea, too. We were forced by the court to send her with Christy and Charles for an overnight visit. I know it was irrational, but I was so afraid that she'd never be back. How horrible will it be when we have to let her go with Megan? I hope that's a long time off.

September 3, 1999

I got an email from America's Most Wanted today. I am hoping to be informed of current victim's rights bills (if any) sitting in the Senate. It's not going to help our family, but maybe it might help other families in the future. I'd like to write a book about this some day. Maybe knowing this might be a book in the future will keep me from doing anything I would be ashamed to see in print. Atty Paxton says it will be at least October before the child support stops, because it has to be processed through the system.* Once again, our system is taking such good care of us.

* My son was still having child support taken out of his paycheck for his dead daughter and the daughter he now had custody of. Imagine knowing you were still giving money to the person who murdered your child, and no one cared enough to fix it. When he changed jobs and did not provide information about his new job, they issued a non-support warrant.

September 1, 1999

I had to take Chelsea up to visit with Megan today. It was the hardest thing I've done since Bethanie's murder. We have been told that we would not have to have any contact with her, yet there she she was, waiting in the parking lot. She just walked up to us and started talking about Chelsea's schedule, and how her sister Christy had kept her on too strict of a schedule. I was honestly afraid that I would kill her right there in the parking lot. Doesn't she understand that Chelsea's schedule is none of her business? Even if it was, she isn't exactly mother of the year, so why would I listen? I wanted to tell her that I've raised two kids and both of mine are still alive, so I guess I can handle Chelsea's schedule. I can't face her alone again, I am truly afraid I might hurt her, which I would only feel bad about in the legal sense, not in a moral sense. She deserves to be hurt, and it can only be accomplished in a physical way, since she has no emotions. What am I turning into? Could I really kill her? I'm afraid I could, and that horrifies me.

August 31, 1999

Today was the status hearing to discuss plea bargains. We were relived to be notified that the defense has little to work with and the prosecution has a great deal. Even though I'm not sure they've been charged with enough, at least they won't get any less. I would have preferred that Megan be charged with murder, and I would have preferred that Jeff be charged with capital murder. I suppose it wouldn't seem like enough, no matter what. Tomorrow I'm supposed to take Chelsea to see Megan. I am not looking forward to it at all. I hope they won't have us both in the same area, but you can never tell about government agencies. I would like to think they wouldn't put me through that, but then we haven't had a lot of rights so far, especially where Chelsea is concerned. Just the simple that I have to take Chelsea to Akron instead of Megan having to come to our county speaks to how little respect there is for our rights as victims. Megan is the only one who has any rights. I would love to write John Walsh and see what can be done about this in Washington. I don't think I'll sleep much tonight.

August 27, 1999

A lot has happened that I haven't recorded. On the 24th we went to court for Chelsea's placement hearing. Magistrate Leuke ruled that Chelsea be surrendered to her father as soon as a home visit was done by Summit County DHS. Megan showed up and filed for Christy and Charles to get her, which was a huge surprise to us all, including Christy and Charles. Jeff's parents also filed for custody of Chelsea and Megan's unborn child. None of it mattered in the end. Thank God Sondra Judy (DHS)agreed to come on Thursday and check our home. The whole thing, once again, left me with the feeling we had done something wrong. Sondra came on Thursday and sent an hour talking to us at our home, and then about 10 minutes at Mark and Angie's. I can't believe we waited five weeks for that. She said we could pick Chelsea up next Thursday, but Charles asked for one more night. We agreed to pick her up on Friday. She finally arrived this evening. What a joy! Each step in this process has been laborious and painful. This is a huge and wonderful step, but I don't think any of us will relax until the final hearing on the 30th. Attorney Paxton said that Megan could get probation, so we need to have custody before her hearing on October 4th, just in case. I feel like we are living on the edge, always wondering when the next surprise will come. For now I will just take comfort in Chelsea.

August 20, 1999

Things are getting a little better. I don't know if they are really better, if I am just handling it better, or if this is just a lull between storms. I found a social worker to complete the home visits that the court wanted, and it went well. Perhaps it is just simple hope that makes it seem like things are better. It is the day before Mark and Angie's wedding and tonight is the rehearsal dinner (at my house). I wish I could get more excited about it. I am going to have a house full of people and I am dreading every minute of it. I'll just be glad when it's time for the wedding tomorrow. I think it will be emotionally difficult, happy for the wedding, sad that Bethanie can't be there. We go to court on Tuesday for Chelsea, but she'll have to miss her father's wedding, thanks again to our legal system. They continue to cause us pain, that same system designed to protect us.