Her birthday

We made it through her birthday, sort of. No one mentioned it, kind of like the elephant in the middle of the room. Instead, we snapped at each other, grumped around all day, and then silently went our seperate ways at the end of a long day. I suppose this week should be spent making ammends. After all, who else do we have but each other?

The pain is just too much some days

For those of you reading this who have never been through the death of a child to abuse, you may wonder why 10 years hasn't healed the pain. After all, doesn't time heal all wounds? It does not, and the person who said that had obviously not experienced significant loss. When July 13 came, it was my first waking thought, "This is the day they took my little baby girl from us." Although I think of Bethanie daily and still miss her terribly, July 13th is especially heart wrenching, as is July 22nd, her birthday. She would have been 14 this year. We will forever wonder what she would look like, what kind of woman she would have become, what the future would have held for her, if evil had not taken her that night in July. It is a pain and longing that never leaves. I can still smell her, sense what she felt like in my arms, hear her voice in my head. No folks, there are some wounds time can never heal.

There is a family in New Philadelphia, OH, near my home, that went through a similar event not so long ago. I followed the trial and read all I could about it, it was so close to what I had gone through, and my heart ached for the family. They have chosen to use their tragedy to help prevent child abuse, and I can't express my gratitude enough for this family who is willing to relive the pain daily so that one more child can be saved. Please take a moment to go to the Shoup family's website and take a look at what they are doing.

http://www.noahs-hope.com/

July 4th is so depressing for me

July 4th will forever be the holiday that heralded Bethanie's murder. My son was supposed to get Bethanie for visitation on July 4th, 1999. We had planned a large family picnic at my home, which is in a different county than the one Bethanie lived in. When my son went to pick the girls up, Megan refused to let him have them, telling him that she didn't want him taking the girls out of the county. She refused to even let him see them at the door. This was not unusual behavior for Megan, so we all just got angry and went on with the day, once again deprived of spending time with the girls. We had no idea what Megan was really hiding. Later, we found out that what she was hiding was an emaciated, starving and bruised little girl. She had already begun the process of killing her. Every 4th of July I sit and wonder why I didn't go there myself and call the police. Given that visitation is a civil matter, they wouldn't have made her hand the girls over, but maybe they would have seen something that would have saved her life. There are a hundred different things I see in hindsight that might have saved her life, if only I had done even one of them.

A chance to help - protect this child

Please read this article and take action. Apprently, once again, it will take a public outcry to force a judge to protect a child:

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/get-involved/take-action-now/protect-damon-from-abuse

What a horrible thing to do

Just a few days ago, a beautiful two year old girl was murdered in the town I work in. Reading about it and knowing people connected to the event has been rather traumatic for me, but nothing compares to the horror I felt today. I drive past the house where the child lived on my way to and from work.Today, as I involuntarily looked at the house yet again, I saw that people had put flowers and toys all over the porch. I thought this to be a touching tribute to a life lost too soon. Then my eyes locked upon one of the most disturbing things I've seen in along time. Someone had taken a very realistic skeleton and put a little frilly dress on it, and then propped it up against the door. This is about the most twisted thing I can imagine, and I can't help but wonder what on earth this person was thinking. I wanted to vomit, it was so disturbing to me. Did it only have that effect because of Bethanie? I don't really know, but I imagine anyone would find it just sickening.

Sorry I'm not here more often

I didn't realize when I started this just how hard it would be. I thought that after 10 years I would find it easier to talk about Bethanie's murder; I was wrong. It was, and remains, the most difficult thing I've ever been through, and it is really no easier today than 10 years ago. I have just gotten better at stuffing my reactions into the corner of my psyche, where no one but those I choose can see. It seems so odd that every time I read about another child being murdered I relive everything again. A man told me about his young son's accidental death the other day, about his reaction when he got the news, and it immediately took me back to that harrowing moment when I got the call about Bethanie. That moment when sound started to dissipate around me and I felt like I was being pulled into some kind of spinning vortex, when my legs gave out and I sat on the floor, wailing at what I'd just been told; begging God to make it not so. It brought back the memory of looking at the fluffy clouds and sunny skies and feeling that it was all wrong. It couldn't be this nice outside, a child had just been murdered. I waited for dark clouds, thunderous claps and the end of the world, but it never came. The sun still shone brightly and the only world that ended that day was Bethanie's.

Another one...when will it stop?

Another child was murdered today, and it has brought up all the memories and pain of losing Bethanie. I just don't understand what kind of monster does something like this.

http://www.coshoctontribune.com/article/20090604/NEWS01/906040305&referrer=FRONTPAGECAROUSEL